


ill met by moonlight

by queerfawn



Series: if being afraid is a crime [2]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Dimensional Travel, Gen, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Sexual Abuse, hints at poly relationships to come, mercenary au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-11
Updated: 2017-01-11
Packaged: 2018-09-16 22:20:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9292007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queerfawn/pseuds/queerfawn
Summary: Lafayette offered to drive the trio back to the hotel they were staying at and Alex was more than willing to take them up on the offer. It was quiet for some time, the only sound the hum of the car beneath them and John's deep breathing in the backseat."Does he know?" Lafayette asked after a while.Alexander was quiet for a beat too long to convincingly feign naivety. "Know what?"





	

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warning for a panic attack/flashback/maybe self harm but not really
> 
> i haven't forgotten about this! i've just been busy as shit for the last several months. i've finally gotten back in the swing of writing and it's vv exciting. be on the look out for the much delayed final chapter of 'fluctuations', the next chapter of my selkie fic, and a 'redefining bravery' rewrite of sorts!

John knew he could drop the pin of a grenade in this very moment and the sound would ring like a gunshot before the explosion hit. The breeze on his face was chill, but he payed no mind as he waited with bated breath and a stiff form.

The green sparks flying through the air on the cold October evening beneath the moons outside of Alsvera sent a thrill of excitement up John's spine, making him leap into movement perhaps much too quickly for someone who'd been lying in wait for quite some time. He couldn't bother to be annoyed that Lafayette had said they'd be here hours ago, or that Alex had ignored his own watch duties to fall asleep. He was much too preoccupied throwing himself at the person and pulling them into a hug.

The low laugh in his ear combined with the ground coming out from under his feet as his taller friend spun him around made his heart soar. Happy. He just wished Alexander was awake to share in the moment.

"Why didn't you wake me up?" Came Alex's sleep grumpy and perfectly timed voice. On instinct Jack launched himself away from Lafayette, who started to give a concerned glance before Alex was pulling them both into a hug. Because of course Alex wasn't mad, he wasn't like any of the boys he'd dated in secrecy back home.

They chose to ignore business for some time in favor of the personal, laying in the frosty grass and watching lights begin to flick on in the city bellow them as law abiding citizens began to go about their work. At some point Alex took his hand with the excuse of his fingers getting cold and his heart was in his throat. He was still, afraid to move and break any moment they may have been sharing.

"Will Hercules be coming?" John asked finally, aware of the empty space he should be filling. Of course they'd only called upon Lafayette- as they were the only other half decent mercenary they knew- but it was typically assumed Hercules would be where they were.

Lafayette sighed, leaning back on their elbows. "He should be arriving sooner rather than later. He had business of his own he needed to take care of back home."  
A private investigator of sorts and a tailor in his free time, Hercules' work was almost as dangerous- if not just- as their own, especially in their universe of origin. Originally he'd wanted to be a spy for the army but he couldn't bring himself to work for the government, and being underage they wouldn't have let him enlist anyways.

"I'm sure your nights have been cold without him," Alex purred, elbowing their friend lightly.

Lafayette scoffed and swatted at the boy. "You do not have to be so mean."

"I'm not being mean," He responded, mock offended. "I was simply making an observation as to the temperature of your evenings, what with the chilly October we've been having across the 'verses and all."

Jack frowned at the reminder, pulling his jacket tighter around him. He hated October. In theory, he was quite fond of it- what with his birthday and Halloween and all- but in practice it was just a series of panic attacks and trauma anniversaries. All of his friends knew to avoid the subject of his birthday and generally be more cautious throughout the month, though he noticed the special treatment every twenty eighth. If he was being honest, he appreciated the effort.

"Alexander we both know that's not what you were implying and that I'm very willing to fight you," Lafayette announced, pulling John from his revelry.

Alex didn't seem to notice the comment, instead was giving Jack a worried look. It made him anxious. Laf quickly noticed the tension- though perhaps not the most socially skilled by typical standards, they were much more adept at tuning into the mood of the surrounding populous than either Jack or Alex- and pulled both smaller boys half into their lap, careful not to touch Jack's stomach where his shirt rode up.

Alex yelped as they inadvertently pulled up his skirt to reveal muscular thighs and started to complain, before being cut off by Lafayette. "Perhaps we should go get waffles somewhere in the morning?"

"That sounds like a glorious idea," Jack replied immediately, smiling at a haughty eye roll from his boyfriend and leaning into Lafayette partly to annoy him. Mostly though because he was exhausted and they were comfortable. After a robbery- not their usual work, but work nonetheless- carried out that afternoon and staying up most all night to greet them he was surprised he could keep his eyes open.

He vaguely registered Lafayette and Alex bickering good-naturedly but rather than force words out of his mouth and muddle the easy stream of banter he decided to slip off into his tendency towards dissociation and let it guide him towards sleep. Unfortunately the disconnection as per the usual took a turn for the worst when a pair of lips pressed gently to his temple.

All at once memories he kept shoved away flooded back, making his breath catch and his heart take off on a bit of a marathon. Hands on his thighs, between his thighs, too dry, unwanted. Come smeared on his thighs, or on his face. A slap across his cheek earned for any sign of disobedience. Lips pressed to his own, a tongue down his throat, or perhaps even worse, lips simply pressed to his forehead or temple as a wish goodnight.

He became aware of Lafayette cradling him and Alex stroking his hair and whispering sweet nothings and realized he must've lost some amount of time. He allowed himself to shake and squirmed to the border of thrashing to get away from the touch that was too much far too much. He was released quickly and rolled away and into an upright position, well aware his now violent shaking couldn't be even partially attributed to the cold autumn air.

"Don't do that," He hissed, arms wrapping tightly around himself.

Lafayette let out a noise akin to a scoff and Jack almost flinched. "Kiss you? That's never been-" Alex silenced them with a well aimed and far from gentle punch to his solar plexus but the damage had been done and Jack was laughing manically and shaking his head before Alex could cut in with some reassurance.

"You're right," John near hissed, absently raking his fingernails down his arms. "It's stupid, I'm stupid. Stupid slut. Kiss me while I'm gone, I don't care. Hell- fuck me. See if I protest."

"John," Alex said a little to harshly, making him flinch. He realized his mistake and started fumbling for an apology but John cut him off with a deadly look.

"Just call me Eleanor, why don't you?"

He stood before either of them could reply, brushing himself off and walking towards his and Hamilton's stolen vehicle. "You two make out or whatever. I need some fucking space."

He prevented himself from sobbing until he was safely tucked into the backseat, hands shaking so violently he could hardly unzip his backpack and find something sharp. He cursed loudly when his hand closed around the blade of an unsheathed knife but couldn't be fucked to take care of the bleeding, or even pull out the weapon and follow through. Everything seemed to spin and he swore there had to be something or someone on his chest. He hit his head sharply against the door, growling to himself when it wasn't enough to make the thoughts stop.

He smeared the blood on his palm across his face and through his hair as he scrubbed at his skin and scalp in an attempt to focus himself and stave off at least some of the panic. Eventually though, he surrendered and let himself fall.

—————

By the time Alex assumed his Jack was calm enough to discuss what had happened, he and Lafayette found the small boy curled up and unconscious in the backseat of the car. They were both fairly sure they saw blood, but were too scared to investigate.

Lafayette offered to drive the trio back to the hotel they were staying at and Alex was more than willing to take them up on the offer. It was quiet for some time, the only sound the hum of the car beneath them and John's deep breathing in the backseat.

"Does he know?" Lafayette asked after a while.

Alexander was quiet for a beat too long to convincingly feign naivety. "Know what?"

"That you're using him?" They hissed, hands tightening on the steering wheel and eyes flashing. "That his father's in charge? That we're rebelling? That while you're out here fucking around- keeping him safe, but fucking around nonetheless- our friends are dying? He's going to find out, Hamilton. You're going to have to tell him you're using his anger and his marksman skills to get power, or he's going to find out from someone else and hate you. He might hate you either way," They said with a humorless laugh.

Alex tried to ignore his shaking hands and the stabbing pain in his chest. "Are you going to tell him?"

"No. Because you're both still my friends, and I'm not going to be the one to break his heart. Oh- that was a nice touch by the way, making him fall in love with you. I wouldn't have risked getting that involved."

"I didn't make him do anything," Alex hissed, suddenly angry as his fingers curled around the hem of his skirt. "He could've left at anytime, I would've given him everything he needed. I love him Laf."

Lafayette was silent for a while before letting out a sigh of something like defeat. "At least we still have something in common."

Alex didn't want to think of the implications or why the words made his heart jump into his throat. He stayed quiet until they arrived at the hotel and tried to pick up Jack's sleeping form, but was beaten to the opportunity by Lafayette. When he opened his mouth to protest they shot him a scathing look and he deigned instead to carry in their bags.

Alexander set to work on refining the plan for returning to their home dimension, ignoring the soft sleepy chatter from the bathroom as Lafayette cleaned the blood off his boyfriend. He was frustrated, upset. They were right, as always, and on top of it they were better for Jack. He hated it.

Rather than communicate these feelings he ducked his head, shoulders hunched, and kept writing.

—————

John was blurry and exhausted, watching Lafayette bicker with someone on the phone in a language clumsy on their tongue from disuse. He'd always liked the sound of it, though he couldn't understand a word.

Back home nothing but the standard language was allowed. If you were caught speaking or learning anything else you could be severely punished.

Sighing, he pushed the thought of home away and pulled his blanket tighter around himself. Lafayette had insisted he get some rest after they bandaged his palm. But there was a certain tension hovering between the other two individuals in the room that made it completely impossible.

Suddenly, Alexander snapped his laptop shut and crawled into bed beside him. "Hey," He said quietly, offering a small smile.

"Hey," Jack replied, tentatively curling into the other boys chest. He felt Alex relax at the affection and allowed a moment of pride for having such an effect. "You alright?"

"Are you alright?" Alex countered, wrapping an arm around his waist.

"I guess," He said with a shrug. "I'm sorry for having a breakdown earlier."

Alex shushed him softly and they lay in silence for some time. "There's a lot of stuff I need to tell you and you might hate me after," He mumbled finally. Even though his words were quiet they were enough to make Lafayette stop talking mid-sentence, obviously eavesdropping.

"Later," John replied, eyes drifting shut. "For now we sleep."

**Author's Note:**

> laf and alex are both nb by the way. laf's agender and alex doesn't like to label it and is still trying to figure out what he wants to be called. if i had money i would honestly pay someone to draw my lovely mercenary son in a skirt.
> 
> anyway! drop a comment maybe? you can also hmu on tumblr @humhallelujaln


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